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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24033997">This Is My Despair</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/vocameeku/pseuds/vocameeku'>vocameeku</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Gen, Post-Rebellion Homura, from homura's perspective, introspective, it's more interesting than it sounds i swear, kind of?, might update on and off, obviously, post-rebellion, rebellion spoilers</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:08:55</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,259</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24033997</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/vocameeku/pseuds/vocameeku</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Homura's new world is not serving her well.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>9</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>41</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Madoka!” Sayaka’s bubbly voice resounded throughout the courtyard. Several other students were walking alongside each other, chatting and laughing together as they made their way to school. </p><p>“Hi, Sayaka! Did you sleep okay?” Madoka, who had only just arrived, moved closer to Sayaka’s side, smiling gently. The trees surrounding them were swaying, pink petals riding on waves of wind, landing at their feet, and despite their beauty, being stepped on.</p><p>“Oi, Sayaka!” called Kyoko, sneaking up behind Sayaka and grabbing her arm. The two engaged in playful banter, chasing each other around with boundless energy, laughing and smiling, nearly losing sight of their path towards their school along the way. Mami was waiting for them at the open school gate, one leg crossed over the other, her goldenrod hair swaying in the wind. The scene was picturesque. An oil painting alive. </p><p>Homura Akemi, the oddity, the friendless, seemed to lag behind them all. One foot after the other, pace subdued, violet eyes fixed on her destination, and nothing else. Her dark hair fluttered like raven’s wings in the wind. </p><p>If ever she were to divert her gaze from the school gate when she was making her way there, it would be pointed at Madoka. Madoka Kaname, the human girl -- the normal girl, with nothing very special about her. Madoka, who shouldn’t befriend someone inhuman. Madoka; so very gentle and kind. An impure being simply cannot be allowed near her. It was common sense.</p><p>That’s why Homura walked so slowly. She was pushing herself past her limit simply by allowing herself a glance. </p><p>Homura was the only one who had to carry the burden of her own heart. Something that was slashed open years ago and had not stopped bleeding since. She didn’t see it that way, though. She didn’t see it like an injury that needed to be treated, or like a wound that needed to heal so that it wouldn’t hurt anymore -- she thought of it as unfixable. Darkened. A tainted thing. She thought she was wicked inside. This canvas -- this canvas she’d stolen away from the one she cared about the most, this canvas she scribbled out and painted over, wasn’t supposed to exist. The being she had become wasn’t supposed to exist. She wasn’t born a demon, so <em> why…? </em></p><p>Despite herself, she continued to believe in her delusion, where her heart was nonexistent, where her soul had become tainted, and she believed it every night when she cried herself to sleep, and she believed it when she’d teeter on the edge of a tall building and look down at the city, wondering what would happen to the world if she were no longer in control of it, and she believed it even now, even when that dull ache in her chest, even still, was gripping her heart as she walked. </p><p> </p><p>School was starting soon. Homura had lost sight of the four familiar girls in the crowd of unimportant faces. She picked up her pace a little. </p><p>She made it to class just before the bell rang. She passed Madoka, who shot her a glance which was quickly dropped, and sat down at her desk at the very end of the classroom. The teacher’s words were going through one ear and out the other. It’s not like Homura hadn’t memorized them all, so this teacher did not require Homura’s attention. </p><p>She rested her chin in her hand, looking out the window at the cloudless sky, and then at Kyoko, who had quickly fallen asleep, and then at Sayaka, who was beginning to nod off (did the two of them stay up all night <em> every </em>night?), and then at Madoka, who was sitting up straight and taking notes, like the hardworking student she was. Homura willed herself a frown. The ache in her heart reminded her that a smile was no longer suited to fit such a reprehensible being’s face.</p><p>Lunch rolled around. Homura stayed inside of the classroom and pulled out an energy bar, unwrapped it, and took a miniscule bite. She was about to take another bite before Madoka showed up at the front of her desk. Homura set down her energy bar on her desk and said, “Can I help you?” </p><p>Madoka fidgeted with her sleeve. “Homura-chan, I keep seeing you alone back there every day,” Madoka fumbled with her words along the way, “and I wanted to, um, ask you if you’d like to…” Madoka trailed off, clearly intimidated by Homura’s steady gaze. “Actually, I don’t want to bother you! I mean, you seem busy, so…” she trailed off again.</p><p>Homura was surprised; she hoped her cool and calm expression didn’t falter. “I’m not busy,” she said, honestly.</p><p>“Oh, well, if it’s okay, then…” Madoka looked up at Homura. “I wanted to invite you to eat lunch with my friends!”</p><p>Although, in truth, she desperately wanted nothing more than to accept her invitation, she knew she couldn’t get too close to Madoka or her friends. Homura paused for a moment. “I’m sorry, Madoka, but I cannot accept your invitation.” In an effort to distract herself from the pain she had just put upon herself, she took another bite of her energy bar.</p><p>“It’s okay, really. I promise they’re all nice, and…” Madoka looked like she wanted to say something else, but she never continued that sentence. “I never see you eating with anyone else, and you always look so…” </p><p>“Madoka!” Sayaka shouted, barging into the classroom with Kyoko in tow. “There you are! You just totally disappeared on us!” Sayaka caught eye of Homura, who stared back at her with dark-rimmed eyes. Sayaka silently took Madoka’s hand, to which Madoka gave in and stepped back when she was pulled away. Madoka looked at Homura apologetically when Sayaka and Kyoko took her back to where they were eating lunch, muttering comments that Homura wasn’t supposed to hear, and then she was alone again. </p><p> </p><p>She wondered what might’ve happened if she’d accepted that invitation.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. I don’t think about it like that anymore</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Three months after Homura remade the world, her fragile heart struggles to keep its composure.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I wouldn't say this is my best work but it's something! I'm not sure how related it actually is to the original I just randomly felt the need to write post-rebellion homusaya so :) enjoy</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Homura was sitting atop that cliff of hers again, her feet firmly planted on the grass beneath her, hands set in her lap eloquently, eyes downcast. Her ear cuff’s purple crystal swayed and glimmered in the wind.</p><p>She was on that chair again; that lone, withered, white chair, which had lost its mate, the one that was always alone on that cliff; that cliff that only she ever visited. She’d go there after school every day. </p><p>Homura closed her eyes, breathing in the cool air, which blew her bangs this way and that. Her mind was still buzzing from the stress of keeping it together at school, but she was alone at last. Her shoulders relaxed in kind.</p><p>Nary a soul visited this place. It was an unkempt area with tall weeds, dandelions, wildflowers, and various sizes and shapes of rocks. It had a very pretty view, though. Homura wasn’t entirely sure why no one else had claimed this place before her, so when she heard footsteps approaching her from behind, in such a secluded area, she didn’t know exactly what to expect. Perhaps there <em> was </em>someone meant to upkeep this place? She probably wouldn’t care about who it was, though, so it didn’t matter.</p><p>“How long are you going to sit there?” called a familiar voice. </p><p><em> Ah. </em> Homura didn't even need to look; she knew who it was. “Sayaka Miki,” she called back, “how did you discover me here?” </p><p>Sayaka stood quite a few feet behind Homura, cerulean hair ruffling gently in the breeze. Just in front of the end of the trail leading up to the cliff is where she stood. “You didn’t bother to cover your tracks,” Sayaka replied simply.</p><p>“...What should my whereabouts matter to you?” Homura said, eyes still downcast, focused on nothing in particular. “I’m your enemy.”</p><p>“I don’t think about it like that anymore.”</p><p>Homura turned to look at Sayaka. “Pardon?”</p><p>Sayaka looked at her in the eyes, expression cold and serious. “I want to talk to you.”</p><p>Homura turned away again. “I doubt you forgot about who I am. What will this interaction serve you?”</p><p>Silence fell between the two of them. Sayaka broke it with the steps she took when she moved closer to Homura. Ignoring the question, she said, “it’s been three months. Your act is slipping away.”</p><p>Homura clenched her skirt in her fists. “Nonsense,” she managed to say. “There is nothing more for you to discover, and there is no act. You can leave now.”</p><p>“Why do you want me to leave you alone so badly?” Sayaka did not do as she was told. Her feet stood firmly planted. “You care about my wellbeing enough to protect me even though you could kill me right now if you wanted to. If you really wanted to get rid of me, you would’ve done it already, right? It isn’t making sense anymore.”</p><p>Homura sighed, exasperated. “You aren’t understanding.”</p><p>“What am I supposed to be understanding?”</p><p>“I don’t care to answer your questions,” Homura spat, looking over at Sayaka again. “Search for the answers yourself if you must.” </p><p>Sayaka wordlessly walked over to Homura’s left, putting her hand on the back of her white chair, looking to the horizon. Homura’s gaze followed Sayaka’s every movement, and then it dropped down to her hand. Homura grasped Sayaka’s wrist and pulled her hand away. “Don’t touch my chair.”</p><p>Sayaka kept her hand at her side at Homura’s request. “Wasn’t this her chair, too?”</p><p>Homura couldn’t keep her eyes fixated on Sayaka anymore. Her gaze fell to the setting sun. “No. This one was mine,” she replied, hostility having since abandoned her tone. “I couldn’t find her’s.” Homura moved one hand off of her lap to feel the side of her chair, and then she realized something. “You remember the chairs? I thought I’d have taken care of a detail like that.”</p><p>“You’re becoming careless, Homura,” Sayaka sighed, shaking her head. “The only memory of mine you remember to regulate is that you’re a demon.” She paused for a moment, piecing something together. “Why is that, I wonder?” </p><p>Homura kept silent. The dandelions below her danced in the wind.</p><p>“Your efforts to distance yourself from all of us <em> are </em>admirable, but…” Sayaka turned around again, hands behind her back. She took a few steps away before looking at Homura, whose head was hung low again. “...you won’t be able to keep it up much longer, you know.”</p><p>Homura lifted her head only to look at Sayaka in return. “That isn’t true,” was all she said, and then Sayaka made an expression that Homura hadn’t seen in this universe before. It looked <em> sympathetic, </em>almost like how she’d looked at her when she was trying to save her life in her labyrinth. It shot nostalgic arrows into Homura’s heart, leaving it aching.</p><p>“I’m stubborn, too, Homura. I only wonder what will happen to this world when you finally break,” Sayaka said. “You were a wonderful actor, though.” Sayaka was quiet after that. She just stared at Homura, who was still seated in that white chair, surrounded by chipped paint. Sayaka  turned on her heel and walked towards the path back down from the cliff. Before she started down on the path, she looked at Homura and said, “still want me to leave?”</p><p>“Do as you wish. I don’t care,” Homura replied coldly. Sayaka closed her eyes and bowed her head in response. Homura clutched the sides of the chair with both of her quivering hands now, feeling the wood, roughened with time, splintering her fingers. </p><p>When she listened to Sayaka’s footsteps becoming quieter by the second, she wanted to scream, <em> ‘no, don’t listen to me. I’m lying. Don’t go. I still need you,’ </em> but she knew she had to keep her act up. She should’ve known that by now, right? After all she’s done, this is her punishment. Her purgatory. Even if it hurt, even if it hurt <em> so badly, </em>there was nothing else she could do but continue to lie. Sayaka should continue to hate her. Madoka should continue to be scared of her. Mami and Kyoko should continue to be suspicious of her. She couldn’t gift herself their empathy, even if they had any left to offer her at all.</p><p>When she knew Sayaka was gone, Homura felt her throat beginning to ache. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. She stayed seated in her chair, clutching the sides of its seat tighter, as if to remind herself that Madoka still knew her; that Madoka ever loved her at all. </p><p>Despite her efforts, she started crying. Why was she allowing herself to cry? She should be used to this by now, but she was still weak inside. She knew she was. </p><p>Homura choked back a sob; warm, human tears dripping down her cheeks and collecting themselves underneath her chin. She tried to catch her breath, whimpering pathetically as she tore those stubborn tears away with the back of her hand.</p><p>Homura stood up, turned around, and pushed her chair over on its side in a burst of strong emotion, watching more of its paint chip away and land on the grass. Her legs felt weak when she turned to look down at the city. She stepped closer to the cliff’s edge. </p><p>She had tried to convince herself that pain was a feeling to treasure, but she didn’t want to hurt anymore, and as she looked over the city's glimmering lights, she realized she wanted to go home. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>if I ever write insults towards homura in text it's always just her inner voice I would never be mean to her ;____;</p><p>Thanks for reading! Comments &amp; kudos appreciated! :D</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>May or may not continue this. i don't see much of a way i can work off of this since i want them to be happy but rebellion's story just Cannot mesh well with happy endings</p></blockquote></div></div>
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